How Comparison Creates Trauma
Comparison.
From weighing your options to receiving critical feedback, comparison has its’ pros and cons.
Growing up, the word “comparison” had such negativity attached to it. I remember being compared to a lot of my cousins/other family members in ways that I now realize was damaging to my self-confidence. From the way they [properly] behaved to grades to their goals. I felt like I was always playing “catch up”, yet feeling so left behind. Until recently, I didn’t realize the comparisons where almost always to members older than me and I was exactly where I needed to be.
In my last article, I talked about generational trauma - what that may look like and to work with it and recognizing it. Here, we go deeper to discuss trauma responses we developed and how to navigate and cultivate through them.
I noticed a pattern within my own family - trait comparison. Were you compared to your older siblings, cousins, or other relatives? Did you feel like you were under the shadow of someone’s behaviors, like you weren’t an individual person? Living in what feels like the shadow of someone else can have drastic effects on one’s psychological sense - low self-esteem, low self-confidence, self-doubt and insecurities developed through critical feedback and lack of affirmation, and more.
A bit of self-disclosure - I struggle most with the constant need to stay busy and the need to take care of others around me. I felt such pressure to be “better than” when in fact, I was [more than] good enough. I was 13 going on 30. Feeling left out had its’ own set of issues. I felt misunderstood by those my age because I was maturing too quickly to be what I was told I needed to be. I found [and sometimes still do] find myself having the urge to criticize others to compensate for my inability to see myself as enough.
I was trying to survive in a dysfunctional dynamic.
My trauma response was developed for the need to survive and it’s hard to change the behavior. Through unintentional behaviors, I, like most South Asian children, were sent the message [indirectly] that I was not good enough. I needed to be more. I developed a small sense of resentment towards my parents and it wasn’t until I began to look into generational trauma did I realize it wasn’t their fault.
According to the American Psychological Association, “trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event”, and after any traumatic event there is a reaction or reflexive coping mechanism. There are 4 types of traumatic responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn (Nguyen, Julia & Hallet, Kristina, 2021) . More often than not, humans act in reflexive reactions. We can feel like we do not have control over ourselves.
Stress responses are not inherently bad. Some responses help you assert yourself, but in a high trauma environment it can be taken to the extreme and become unhealthy for your body and mind.
4 Types of Trauma Response
Fight.
When healthy, a fight response can allow one to become assertive and create healthy boundaries. However, when the opposite occurs, it can lead to self-preservation. For example, one may experience responses with anger and aggression. One may believe that they are able to maintain power over the threat and have control (i.e., physical fights, yelling, destruction of items, being critical of others, defensiveness).
Remember: reflecting your inner feelings to your external environment can come at a cost. Listen to understand, then respond, vs. hearing to react.
Instead, try these:
Take a moment to slow down and think about the position you are in. If needed, physically remove yourself from the environment
Deep breathing and following your daily routines
Exercise - activities like yoga, pilates, and stretching can activate your parasympathetic system and reach homeostasis, releasing anxiety, allowing you to feel safe to reconnect
Flight.
The flight response is connected with isolation and avoidant behavior. You are able to disengage within healthy limits. When unhealthy, you stay busy, leave situations when tough, or you criticize others to overcompensate.
Instead, try these:
Try utilizing your 5 senses to ground yourself: visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, and gustatory
Reconnect with your relationships - those feel-good relationships induce serotonin and endorphins
Immerse yourself in your daily routine and engage in conversations
Freeze.
The freeze response corresponds to immobilizing behaviors. For example, literally “freezing” in high stress situations. When healthy, freezing or pausing can help you slow down and carefully determine your next steps. However, when unhealthy, it can relate to disassociation and the inability to move. Other common freezing behaviors: spacing out or detachment from reality (haze-like feeling/mentally checked out).
Instead, try these:
Grounding techniques such as the 5-4-3-2-1 rule and utilizing all your senses
Deep breaths and meditation
Recognition of what is happening around you - verbalizing what you see or having a mindful conversation with someone you feel comfortable with
Fawn.
Fawn is all about people-pleasing behaviors. People-pleasing is characteristically prioritizing others above all else, in order to avoid conflict and receive approval. Being well-liked and adored is a wonderful [temporary] feeling, but is it worth it if it comes at the cost of feeling empty and losing yourself?
Instead, try these:
Practice self-compassion and separate what feelings belong to you and what belongs to someone else
Practice self-engagement and self-awareness to have healthy, solid boundaries
Self-reflection and confidence are a must! Seek out way to increase your confidence and learn to say “no.”
Ways To Improve
Feeling like you are in the shadows is a tough feeling to overcome. It is hard not to feel defeated, continuous self-doubt, or be unable to pursue more in fear of possible rejection or failure. I hope this article shares with you what you feel is valid, and I hope you recognize you have the capability to push yourself and create a life that is balanced and healthy for you and others.
Here are a few places to start:
Self-help books. Here are a few suggestions:
It Didn’t Start with You: How you Inherited Family Trauma shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle
Seeking Therapy.
Establish skills to improve self-confidence and comfort in who you are. Date yourself to learn more about you!
Navigating help and self-improvement within a South Asian family can be difficult. You simply can’t just “do you”. But you can start within yourself to address core issues. Although fair warning, this does take a lot of self-restraint - meaning you can’t always speak up on internal changes to match your external environment, and for that reason, I recommend seeking a therapist to aid in navigating your journey.
If you’d like more information or help to find your next steps, feel free to reach out to us!
If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.
